I am only now beginning to realize, fully, the extent of how dark my mentality came to be in the past year. Though I was well aware of my state of destitute, clarity could not be sought until I was ready to accept all aspects of the stern lessons in need of absorption. A process which time could only repair, seductively moving at a snail's pace, and is appreciated much more in hindsight than personal first hand experience.
"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success." -- Will Smith
I have loved and lost more times, recently, than I would like to acknowledge. From potential suitors to the insincerity of ones I had considered dear friends, many tears have been shed. Each drop eventually fading into a piece of insignificance as it is engulfed in the vast open sea. Each ounce of heartache overshadows the next until I am shown the devastation from the loss of a beloved. There is nothing that puts things into greater perspective than the permanency of death.
For nearly two months, we watched signs of improvement as well as noting the absence of change. Holding on for so long, for only reasons she knows, before taking her last peaceful breath. We said our prayers, promising prosperity to enrich our lives, and to proceed as she had taught us to. I was not ready for goodbye, nor will I ever be. My skewed perception has always led me to believe that she is invincible. The spirit of my grandmother will always carry on through me and the ones who cherish her.
I avoid discussing the terms of grieving much of the time to side step the common question relating to my well-being. The crying out-pour from the masses have good intentions and mean well, but I grow tired reliving certain emotions. I am numb. How do I respond? I cannot convey the sentiment that I am utterly and completely numb. Just grant me one moment to be void of the emptiness I know my heart feels. Stand in silence and care for me as she did, love me as I do for her.
For nearly two months, we watched signs of improvement as well as noting the absence of change. Holding on for so long, for only reasons she knows, before taking her last peaceful breath. We said our prayers, promising prosperity to enrich our lives, and to proceed as she had taught us to. I was not ready for goodbye, nor will I ever be. My skewed perception has always led me to believe that she is invincible. The spirit of my grandmother will always carry on through me and the ones who cherish her.
I avoid discussing the terms of grieving much of the time to side step the common question relating to my well-being. The crying out-pour from the masses have good intentions and mean well, but I grow tired reliving certain emotions. I am numb. How do I respond? I cannot convey the sentiment that I am utterly and completely numb. Just grant me one moment to be void of the emptiness I know my heart feels. Stand in silence and care for me as she did, love me as I do for her.
Life keeps a steady pace and I am winded trying to keep up. I did not make honors for graduation. Looking back, I could have; I should have, but I let myself get in the way. I pride myself for transcending into a good direction, despite adversity from the counterproductive side of my upbringing, but remorse for the effort I should have placed forth. A job well done, but I must reiterate to myself: better. Not to become a perfectionist, but to serve as a reminder that I am capable of improvement.
A complete stranger once told me to make my next admirer really work when it comes to the dance of courtship. "You're pretty, intelligent, and have a good career," he assures me. "Make him work." Idealisms ranging from a woman who raised me and a person I barely know, their belief in me is something I should emulate for myself and for the quality of my relationships with the astonishing people that surround me. I am filled with gratitude for all the changes that have swayed my growth.
A complete stranger once told me to make my next admirer really work when it comes to the dance of courtship. "You're pretty, intelligent, and have a good career," he assures me. "Make him work." Idealisms ranging from a woman who raised me and a person I barely know, their belief in me is something I should emulate for myself and for the quality of my relationships with the astonishing people that surround me. I am filled with gratitude for all the changes that have swayed my growth.
